I am so confused.
About everything.
I do not know what it means to be human.
Given the chance, a human will resort to their basic instincts, their primal urges, their basest desires.
They will forget all the lessons they have learned, forget all the experiences that have taught them to be a better person, they will just loose themselves in the moment. Loose themselves in the chance to scream and curse and berate and insult if that chance is ever offered. They bring up the most crude words and phrases and gestures that they know, ones that they know will cut to the quick, ones that can not be taken any other way. Slut, Cunt, Whore, Motherfucker, Bitch. They will scream at the top of their lungs and throw their hands over their heads, chanting these words as a defense and as a offense against the other party.

What is the point of being human? Are they supposed to be learning how to control their emotions? Are they supposed to have impulse control? Is that what it means? Humans. They take something natural and change it over and over again until the end result barely resembles what it started as. They destroy the environment and rebuild it again and again. They think they are god. They have built buildings to the sky, dug far into the earth, launched themselves past the realms of the atmosphere and dove to the very depths of the seas. What is the answer for their curiosity? What is it they are trying to achieve? What are they looking for? Will there ever be an answer for what it is to be human? For what it is they search so hard for. They have looked in all the places that they have thought to look in. They have answers for all the unanswerable questions. Yet no matter how hard they search for truth, for the answer, they will never be able to overcome their basic instincts. The ones that start disagreements, which start arguments, which start battles, which start wars. Wars will always separate people, separate minds, separate thoughts.

There are too many aspects to what it means to be human and live in a society with other people.
Homesteading looks really attractive right about now.

In my community, I am one of many. Not in any way unique.
We all were raised in the same religion, with the same values, and the same insanity.
We have all sacrificed too much for our ages.
We have all been around the world.
I am not unique to them. I am just another one.
I do not feel like I ever left my house. I do not feel like I ever had a grand adventure.
Memories are fading and the drudgery of day to day life is wearing my brazen personality down to simple boring lifelessness.
I have pictures as proof, but there is no connection between the person in the photographs and the person looking at them.
She looks like me, but I dont have that sparkle in my eye, or stand in that relaxed pose, or that big smile, or the energized look. She looks fresh, happy, ready to say yes to whatever comes her way.
What has she become? One of those people that let monotony run her over. It acts like water eroding away at the earth. It slowly but steadily crushes dreams and cuts away at general well being.
That is what I have become.
I hide away from it in any fantasy world I can find. I hide away in movies, in books, in daydreams, in board games, in writing.
But it always is waiting for me. Quiet and patient.
Who can I run to to tell me I am not just another person living a boring day to day life?
Who can remind me that I was an adventurer. That I sailed the seas, I rode over hundreds of miles of landscape, I explored places never seen by my eyes before, experienced cultures in their own land.
However, that is not unique. That is not noteworthy. That is nothing special.
That is what I have been told. Because everyone I know has done just that. Then they came back home and forgot that they used to be world travelers. Instead thoughts of mortgages and child safety locks became priority. They know that they traveled, but they have forgotten the self that was.
So, I am just a statistic. I am just another person that needs to accept my fate. Just another person that needs to forget the past, forget their former selves, and get on with bone crushing reality.
But I cant. Try as I might, I just cant forget.

Does this sound melodramatic? I guess I have been reading too much.

I am free for a week.
A family I know is going to Mexico for a week of scuba diving, kayaking, and spear fishing.
They asked me to watch their house and their dogs while they're gone. Their house is in Tucson, which is 2 hours away from my own home.
So, I have a week all to myself. No pressure. No responsibilities (kinda). No stress.
I am glad to be alone. I miss being alone. I am very happy when I'm alone.
So far, this is all I have done this summer.
I have no plans to do anything. The ones I did have fell through.
So here I am. In Tucson. Alone. Which is wonderful.

the new year.
god i hope its a good one.
im not sure if i can take another year here at my parents house where i am now never alone.
before it was the opposite. my dad was gone most of the week and my mom was always asleep.
now my dad lost his job and started up a junk car business and is home way too much.
my moms schedual changed and she dosent sleep as much.
my sister is also home from korea for a visit.
i am never alone. and that means a constant and endless nagging about my employment status.
even when i have a temporary part time job they complain about the fact that it should be more stable. then if i were to get a part time job, no doubt thay would complain abouteither trying for a full time, or some other aspect of my life is not up to their standards and therefore they must nag me until it is changed.
today i woke up in the morning and instead of "good morning" i hear "why dont you look at craigslist for a job" which coincedentally i had dont just ten minutes before.
i am looking, and applying, and calling, but im getting no where.
i cant take it for another year.

well, and so i am back, and just in time for my world to go to hell.
i spent the entire month of july on the farm and it showed me some things about myself that i needed to know about. im glad i went and im glad i did the best i could do.
on august 7 i celebrated my birthday by filing a police report about my moped being stolen from my front door.
i am trying to stay positive but that becomes really hard when your only form of transportation is stolen. and when your dad looses his job. and when you cant get a job. and when you cant afford to buy your textbooks for school. and when your arms and legs keep shedding skin.

Interning

After a long internal debate with myself, I have decided to be an intern at an intentional community up in northern Arizona. I rang in the new year of 2006 up there. We set fire to an asparagus plant as our destructive celebratory action. Now I am heading back up the 10 mile dirt road, into a valley with one main house, solar showers, no electricity, chickens, turkeys, trees, a creek, and tee-pees. The man that owns the valley, Peter Bigfoot, runs an organic farm, teaches herbal medicine, and has a school of self survival. I figured it would be an interesting place to spend the summer instead of holed up in my parent's house, trying to stay out of the sun, steadily eating my weight in yogurt and apple sauce.

its getting hard to remember why i left korea.
ive been home for 5 months. back in arizona where it takes 15 minutes to walk past an orchard or parking lot, where you need a car to go to the grocery store, where everthing closes at 9 pm and where all my friends have moved away from.
i sit in my house, reading books, watching movies, posting on forums, and laying around staring at walls.
i dont have a job becasue no one seems to be hiring. i go to school mon, wed, and fri for two classes. both of which i have As in because i have so much time on my hands.
i clean the house to get some money every few weeks. my mom sleeps most of the time. my dads usually in georgia or alabama or kansas. and when hes home hes in his office or listening to talk radio. i have very little contact with people. every sunday i go to church just to talk to people. at school i mostly just talk to one person.
so, i have to ask myself, why am i here? what am i doing? what arent i do? why have i found myself back in this position? am i happy? what am i waiting for? why am i waiting for anything?
ive lost all my passion and determination.